A Look in the Mirror - By Wayne Weaver

I have heard many, many people preach on the home, on fathers and mothers, and I want to tell you that I am going to be very kind to you all. I have heard messages come across pulpits that I felt were not quite fair. I know that this is a very touchy subject.

The home is one of the first places to suffer and be neglected. I do understand a lot of the pressures that come against the home today. I will try to be fair with you. My main goal is to minister to you.

I have heard such discouraging words come from mothers as, "How can we overcome?" I have heard people preach on the home, especially on the father, that would cause every preacher to walk to the altar, because a preacher is one of the worst people to neglect the home. If he doesn't neglect the home, he neglects the church. If he doesn't neglect the church, he neglects the home, and it's back and forth.

This is something that I believe we want to carefully take a look at, and I am going to especially speak to the mothers tonight. I hear very few messages dedicated specifically to the mothers. I do hear them to the fathers. We often hear remarks if the father is in his place at home, the mother has it easy. I believe that is true. Vice versa, if the mother is in her place, the father has it easy.

How many of you, I wonder, from year to year have looked into a mirror in the morning, when you were combing your hair, or sometime during the day, or by yourselves in such words as, "I cannot go on like this. I have to change. Something has to change. I cannot go on like this." Here you sit today, maybe five years ago you said that, and today you still have not changed. Some of the same habits that you were doing and involved in early in your marriage, after your first child, after your third child, or even as a child yourself.

I was reminded that my five year old son, the other night, did something. He was teasing someone that he shouldn't have, outside our family. I guess it kind of upset the mother of this child, to the point where she called my wife, and told her how that maybe she was not fulfilling her duty. We look to each other, and we see other people's children. We see that they are out of order. Our own children might not be out of order when we are looking at them, but when we look away, maybe they are. I know that there are people who are in blindness. They think their children are all right, but you do not see what others see when you are not looking.

I know a fact of somebody I could name, who thinks their children are perfectly in order, but I see the other side of the story so often, and it is just not that way. You know, I have not raised that child. That little child might have a stubborn nature that I am not aware of. That little child might be somebody completely different from any of the children I have in my home. For that reason I cannot be judgmental. I ask you to be the same, in your homes, especially those who have no children. It is easy to tell others where they are making the mistakes.

It has just been of late that I have a 16 year old daughter. I said, "Rita, I have never had any of my children with the youth, and you are the first one." I had to cry a little bit. "This is a new experience for me," I said.

I am trying to understand her as well as I can. She is a preacher's daughter, and she feels that maybe sometimes she is not allowed to do things that others do. She wrote me a letter a while back that I wish I had with me tonight. I would read it to you. I wouldn't say who wrote it. I would like to read this to some people, so they could hear a little bit about the struggles of a young youth who is in a preacher's home. How that other youth expect them to be perfect, and how when they don't have the answers they come to her with their problems. She doesn't have the answers for them. She is not a preacher. She just happens to be raised in a preacher's home.

I want to talk about the trial of motherhood. (1 Timothy 2.) I guess I could really hitch the horses into the plow, and go down through some of these verses here, and put the women in their place, and then do the same with putting the men in their place. But I don't feel it's appropriate. I think we have had a lot of that already in the past. For some reason it doesn't last. Mothers still have the same problems.

We look into the duties of a mother or a wife, and we see that they also fail in their duties. I would like to say this. It might be a little hard for you women to enjoy this, but sometimes I wish I could be a mother, and then my responsibility would be much smaller.

You are sitting there and saying, "But you don't understand." I would also like to say with that, I occasionally have sent my wife away, and told her just to go. It's time for you to go and take a little vacation. Sometimes with her in-laws, and so forth. She was gone, oh it was probably for five days, something like that. She was expecting that when she comes home, I would be so ready for her, saying I never knew what all you go through in a day. Rather than that, I told her, "This was an enjoyable time. We just had so much fun." We ate at McDonald's a lot. We also ate at home, but we did some of the things she would not do. But it was a time of enjoyment for me. I could see where her role fits in. But I also remember that the Bible calls her a weaker vessel. So the weight of responsibility on her is as great as the weight God has given to me that, because I am not a weaker vessel. She is the weaker vessel, so she is loaded down with all that she can handle, and so am I; sometimes a little bit more than that.

What I would like to say to us as husbands is, it is easy for us maybe, to look to our wives. We come home in the evening, and here comes our wife, and she has a burden on her heart. Something happened today, and you know it might not be something that big. But her life surrounds it. She is not too happy. Something bothers her. Something happened. Somebody called, and loaded off on her, and her whole life is just surrounded by that. What she needs is somebody to sit and listen to her. After five minutes she is up, and ready to go again. This is one difference between a man and a woman.

I think the type of a job that the woman has attends to a great duty. It attends to a lot of her efforts. I think that you women need to look at this as being the call of God on your life. It won't be all your life. You have a vacation after all the children have been raised. But through this time, sometimes a very hard time, especially for a strong-willed child. Sometimes it is so hard to answer kindly when they ask something.

It says here then, "She shall be saved in childbearing." So mothers, let me say it this way. There is a calling on your life tonight. You don't need to seek what God's will is for your life tonight, mothers. Here it is. "If they continue in faith and charity, love and holiness with sobriety."

A loud, noisy woman is never highly respected. Her words don't count much. She is known to be out of order, even amongst her children. Even amongst her community.

Sober does not mean to be dry. It does not mean to be joyless, got nothing to live for, life is rough. Sober simply means to be directive, to have direction and to pinpoint your direction, to be in control. To know your duty. To fulfill that duty.

Now look at verse 5. This is the verse I would like to define. "To be discreet." The word discreet means, in Greek, safe and self-controlled. Women, mothers tonight, are you self-controlled? Do you lose your control? You are to be discreet, to be in self-control. Do you understand what I am saying?

Why does Christ, through this Bible, ask you to change all these things and to be like this in your homes? It is to prevent your children from going wrong. It is to prevent your children from spiritual ailments and spiritual defeats later on in life.

Why does God ask the woman to be discreet? He knows why. It's His order to you women. He didn't tell you that you need to take care of the home and bear children, and then leave you sit right there. But He tells you how to do it, and number two, He says "chaste." The word chaste means clean, innocent and modest. Clean, innocent and modest. Your focus is there. You are putting your effort into that, to make it a happy home. To make it a happy environment.

The other word that is in here, it says, "Keeper at home." Not keepers of the home, it says "keepers at home." I looked this up in Greek, and it says, "a guard." Here is the other word that says, right behind it, "stayers at home." Not garage sale assailants. Not garage stayers or grouch stayers, but stayers at home.

This does not mean, I hope you understand this right, this does not mean that you can never go anywhere. This simply means that your heart is so much to where God has called you that this is your priority. You just want to be there. There is something about my little home, my little dream home. It needs my touch. I need to be there.

You can tell right away, when you get into a home, you see if the mother has been on duty or not. There is an atmosphere that is there. I tell you, when a mother leaves home, there is an atmosphere that wants to go right with her. There is something about it. I like to say this, if you mothers are fulfilling your duties at home, when you leave home something will go with you that will be missed; a security, a comfort, something right. It is something that everyone needs, including the big, masculine man that says nothing bothers him. Yet he desires this. He needs his wife at home. He needs that touch. Stayers at home. Now, that's almost not fair, is it? Stayers at home.

Then the other word behind this one, it says "domestically inclined." Very interesting. "Domestically inclined." Not runners. Not pst, pst, pst all over the place, like a typical gossiper. Somebody who is domestically inclined. Someone who has her home within her hands. Somebody who loves that.

Then it says, another word right behind it, "a good housekeeper." I want to talk a little bit about that. I hear husbands complain about sloppy homes. The toys are all over the place, stuff laying on the floor, books not in place. I remember a time like that.

In my home, at home, we were taught never to do that. We only had several toys, and those toys were in order. They were used and then they were put back where they came from. If they were not, we couldn't play with them for a while. We only had several toys. Before we were married, we agreed to that too.

But you know, it is so easy, these garage sales come up, and there's one for 25 cents. Just reach in your pocket, and here's 25 cents. It's not costing anything. No it's not. It's costing your home, and I would tend to think that most husbands come home, and desire a house to be clean and in order.

A woman is to create an atmosphere, whether it is in her room, as a young girl. Whatever. She is to create an atmosphere. Some kind of an atmosphere in that home. I will tell you, she does create an atmosphere, regardless if it is a good one or a bad one. A woman will create an atmosphere.

I would like to show you some little techniques that would help you to create a better atmosphere. You might say your husband really doesn't care that much. But if he is absolutely honest with you, he will tell you different. I think so. Some of you women might be just the other way around. You are the ones who have to have everything in order when you husband comes home. But when he walks in the door, there he goes. Those shoes will lay there, and in the morning, "Where are my shoes? Anyone seen my shoes?" Can't find his shoes, and there they are, right where they were last night.

I would like to say to you women concerning these things. You watch your children. How many toys do they really play with? If you are a messy housekeeper tonight, you are creating an atmosphere not according to the Bible.

If you have a problem with a messy home, I believe one of the things that a home needs is organization. It does. A home needs organization. A child needs to learn that when they play they need to put their things away. I will tell you what a child will say, and I have been hearing it for about the last 15 years. I will say, Okay children, time to put all your toys away." "I didn't put that out." "Sorry," that is not what I said. I said, "Put your toys away. I don't care if you played with them or not. You will have to join in and create this atmosphere." I have tried to drill that into my children, and drill that in my children and drill that in my children, that when I say put the toys away it means put the toys away. I am not asking who did it. If I wanted to know who brought the toys out, I am going to ask that question. When I say put the toys away, children, I expect everyone of them to go and start putting toys away.

They need to learn to work together, even if they were not responsible for what they were doing. They need to learn that.

There was a time in our lives that it was pretty rough. We had a lot of young children, and my wife had her hands full. I was a preacher. I was called to go all the time. I want to say that I give a special honor to my wife. I know that people can be critical, maybe, about her, and maybe about the children. But let me tell you, if I would have had as much time to spend at home as some of you men do, maybe things would be a little bit better.

I think we need to be careful, especially looking at preachers' children. I was a preacher's child, as long as I can remember. When I was a young boy, about 1 year old or so, my dad was ordained. I know no other life. I know how it is to sit there and feel the pressure when others think you should be better than they are.

If you have a problem with a messy home, it might be that you are overtoyed. Not overjoyed, but overtoyed. You might have too many toys in that home. Simple as that. Do you use them? Do the children use them? Pitch them if they don't, or give them to someone else.

I tell you, one of the reasons that a woman might be domineering is because the husband is not taking on the leadership at home. There is a big problem when a woman is domineering. And it often comes because her mother was domineering. Domineering is not necessarily saying that unless you do this, I will do this. Domineering can also be this. If I say, "Martha, I think that we should go to so and so, and have a visit tonight." "Oh," she says, "I had other things planned. I had plans to be in the garden, and to do some things. I should do that." And I say, "Oh, okay. That's fine. I don't want to interfere with that. That's fine." That's an agreement. Or I could say, "Well, wait a minute. You pushed me off the other times too. I think tonight we should go. We have an obligation to go visit them. They have had an illness, and we need to go."

I remember times when we had problems in our marriage. She used to go out the back door and slam the door. I went out the front door and slammed the door, and said, "I never want to see you again." I looked at her one day and said, "You never received a spanking at home," So I took her across my knee and bang, bang, bang, I gave her a spanking. I wasn't doing right. I was living wrong. I do not justify that. I was an ungodly sinner. God changed me eleven years ago. My wife also changed. I think the biggest thing that happened to my wife is when she started to be a broken woman.

This is one of the biggest needs in the home. Whether it is between you and your children, or whoever it is. A woman has to be broken. A man, as he is out doing the Lord's work and the Lord's duty, has to be a broken man. Every preacher has to be a broken man. Every last one of them. Unless they are broken, they will not fulfill the duties God has given them.

A preacher has to be broken. A preacher has to be able to take insults. A preacher has to be able to take opposition and not fire back, but simply humble himself and just break, and ask God to help him in his weakness. A mother will have to do the same, and a father will have to do the same.

We sometimes need to sit down with our children and have a good talk with them, saying that, "Michael, I have never raised a son in my life. You are the first one." I do that. We are a close family. We love each other. I come home, and the children come running. Michael, my 13 year old son, comes and he wants to sit on my lap. Some of you might say, "That's too old." It is not. Why do the children cry when I go away? This Sunday morning you should have seen them. At one time I think everyone was crying before I left.

I said like this, "If ever the Lord should take this calling of preaching away from my life, and I would quit being a preacher. I would put my focus in on the home. I would be a father. I would be somebody there."

I want to challenge you with that. Put what you have in your home. Put it there. Understand your children. Sometimes they feel that we don't understand them. Even if we talk with them, they still feel we don't understand them.

I would also like to ask you a question. Father, today, be honest. Right now look into the mirror. How many minutes did you spend with all your children today? By way of talking with them and listening to them.

So often we also hear that yes, if you men would be in order, why your wives wouldn't have any problems. I have been counseling people too long to believe that. I know there are two sides to a story. You women can win that lost husband to Christ. That is different than what psychologists say. Do you know that you women have the power to change your man by your conversation? By your queenliness?

Husbands and wives, walk together. Learn to walk together as the scriptures direct. It is so important. Spend some time with each other. When I come home from work and my wife comes in. Whatever she is doing she is ready to come and we talk. We visit a little bit. That, and the first thing in the morning when we get up. We lay in bed and just talk and talk and talk. Sometimes for an hour we just visit

You men, and I as a man, we really don't need that talk. We want to get up, and get out of the house, get down the road, and forget about our wife at home. We have a lot of things to pursue today. We've got to go, this to happen, and this to happen, and this to happen. As soon as we wake up in the morning that wants to come. We have to use discipline if we want to even read the Bible.

We husbands also need to be the spiritual leader of the home. The woman should never have to say that, "Well, Lord, I don't know which way to go here. Lord, help my husband. He is not leading out."

Men should be praying for their wives and giving direction, so that the family does not see insecurity about us, but they see stability and punctuality concerning our lives. When I say I believe we should go on this trip. When I say I believe we should buy this or buy that. They know that when Daddy says we want to buy, he is going to buy it. If there are a lot of questions concerning should I do this, should I do that, should I do this, should I do that. We leave our whole family in a sway.

I think some of those things just need to be held quiet. Maybe between you and your wife. Even then, work some of those problems out yourself, husbands. Then ask her for her advice. Listen to what she has to say.

I heard brother Mervin say here lately, "Some of you men, if you have a hard time listening to the Holy Spirit, and if you have a godly woman, listen to her a little bit." It is often right. I believe there is truth to that. A man can get so excited about something and go out and invest in something that is no good.

Let me tell you something. I've got a 5-year-old son. I have tried and tried, and we have worked with him, and worked with him and worked with him to try and train him. When he is around us he seems to be doing fine, but as soon as we turn our backs he is a strong-willed child. He looks like he has never received any discipline, maybe, to some people. I may be exaggerating it a little bit, but he is out of order at times. He just is. Then I have a nine-year-old daughter. She is around us. She knows us. She knows what she is to do. I think I might have spanked her once, and maybe just a little bit. She just broke and cried and wept. She just doesn't do much of anything out of order. She is constantly doing right. Now people will look at her and say, "Now you have really trained that girl right." I say, "No, I didn't." She has a different nature.

Some of us need to understand that principle. You look to somebody else and you can see when somebody is untaught. You can see when someone is just absolutely spoiled rotten. One of those ways is when it is a screaming child at an age when it can talk. You can say, "Now, that is enough." They just go right on. There is a spoiled brat.

Before you get critical about other people's children, know one thing. You don't know that child. You have seen a bad thing right there at that moment. That is all you have seen. You don't know the history behind that child. You don't know the history behind that person. I do that when I see older people who have problems. I have deep sympathy and compassion for those who have struggles and problems. Most of those people are carrying a real load on their backs. You can see marks of rejection. Those are people that I just reach out to. I long to help people like that. We need to understand people like that.

Father in Heaven, I thank you for Jesus Christ. We have gone through life. We have learned our defeats. We have learned things that don't work. We have learned that we are people who have a natural ability to neglect, to overlook, to misunderstand.

Father, I pray for husbands, and wives, and children who are here. I recall walking out in the woods, out on some land that I owned several miles away and seeing two trees, side by side. One had an extremely crooked branch. Then I noticed that there was a tree rubbed against that branch, and was causing it to go completely crooked.

Lord, maybe there are some crooked branches here, and there is somebody standing in the way of that young child being able to be raised right. Maybe they are going crooked, and have defects in their life.

Lord, I pray especially for the husbands and wives, now, that you might allow them not to become discouraged. I pray, Lord, even as much as your Bible says that you know the feelings of our infirmities. You don't even try, you just understand. You know where everyone stands. You understand everybody. I pray especially for the husbands to shape up, Lord. Would You shake the husbands up, and the wives as well? Let us get to the grips of this, that we might be living in sin, and even causing the Word of God to be blasphemed in our own homes, because we do not walk the way you want us to walk.

Father, I pray, if there is a marriage that needs healing, would you heal? If there is a mother who needs to repent for real, and walk away from the old image seen in the mirror, of being a nag and the guilt that lays on a mother who does that. Oh God, it's just not right. I pray that the husbands and wives could just love each other a little bit more, Lord, and understand each other more. We go through this life once. Our children are raised once, and then everything is gone. Whatever has been done then, is done.